Monday, June 18, 2012

Being Honest

During this trip I've really learnt a lot, its true. I got a dear friend as my partner and from the start she taught me how to have goals when I'm teaching, to have a goal to reach when I'm teaching the kids, and to question myself about the main point I want the kids to remember when they go home.

Well, I got all that going and prepared my lessons and taught CI. But then I started to see how well my partner was teaching - the kids were all laughing when she taught and they liked her, and I felt that my lessons were boring and were not good enough. I started to compete with the person I was working with and I just wanted to be better than her and to make the kids love me. I was jealous and I wanted to exalt myself.

So the lessons went on and I felt that our relationship was very tense; I felt that she was just doing her own thing and didn't care about me. But it was because I was hiding behind a mask and kept acting as if I was alright and feeling great and dwelling on myself. During cool down, I just talked about how well we taught our lessons and how effective we were.

But one night during cool down, God really spoke to my heart and caused me to be honest with myself. He showed me how ugly I am, how dirty my motive were, how filthy my righteousness is. He caused me to see how selfish I am, how I wanted to be better than Marie, how I wanted the kids to adore me, how I wanted to be the best CI teacher.

I really felt so ashamed of my attitudes, my motives, my desires - they were all fleshly and worldly. For the whole week I was just focusing on my lessons, how to teach creatively, and I didn't spend a lot of time with God. I didn't seek Him wholeheartedly, and I didn't love Him with all my heart, soul and mind.

I repented and asked God to forgive me, and I also asked Him to put on me His righteousness because I don't have any of my own and I know I can't be righteous with my own strength. I need God to change me and to work in me, that I may be able to have the right motives, the right attitudes and desires. I want to continue to draw closer to God and to build a more intimate relationship with Him and thus, with my partner too.

-Grace Ling
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